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SMILER DAISY

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Apr 17, 2008 8:45 am

clapping faf
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Apr 18, 2008 5:19 am

13 Things PMS Stands For:


1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
And the IMPORTANT one.

13.

Potential Murder Suspect
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SMILER DAISY

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Apr 18, 2008 5:51 am

Suspect
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Apr 18, 2008 5:56 am

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So
I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker
(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was
pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was
"Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the
Boss came into the office and asked,"What in the name of good GOD are
you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out." go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office... when my co-worker (the
blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, and where do you think you're
going?!"



She said, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Apr 18, 2008 6:00 am

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior, "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was ," sighed the Sister."And I went to play golf with my brother. We
try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented
golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in
vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life.
I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in
mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom
what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball
and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk
swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my
ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the
hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said............ "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Apr 18, 2008 6:03 am


Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has,
you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one
woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the
wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying"


Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

Married
life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the
woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man
listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I
married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A billionaire".

God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?" "Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me." "Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." "Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"
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SMILER DAISY

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Apr 18, 2008 6:16 am

faf faf
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Apr 18, 2008 9:46 am

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet 20,00 on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped off, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."


MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb. Men however, are........................men!!
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NICKY
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Apr 18, 2008 9:51 am

lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sat Apr 19, 2008 11:27 am

Two guys,Jim and Jerry, are sitting at their favorite bar,drinking beer.

Jerry
turns to Jim and says,'You know, I'm tired of going through life
without an ducation. tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College
and sign up for some classes.'Jim thinks it's a good idea,and the two leave. The
next day, Jerry goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes:
Maths,English,History,and Logic. 'Logic?' Jerry says. 'What's that?' The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a Lawn Mower?' 'Yeah.' 'Then logically speaking, because you own a lawn mower, I think that you would have a garden.'

'That's true, I do have a garden.'

'I'm not done,' the Dean says. 'Because you have a garden, I think logically that you would have a house.' 'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.' 'Yes, I have a family.'

'I'm
not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a
wife. And because you have a wife,then logic tells me you must be a
heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a Lawnmower.'

Excited
to take the class now, Jerry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go
meet Jim at the bar. He tells Jim about his classes, how he is signed
up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jim says, 'What's that?'

Jerry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a lawnmower?'

'No.'

'Then logically you're a queer.'!!!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Mon Apr 21, 2008 5:05 am

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Apr 23, 2008 3:40 am

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?A: It's Braille for "suck here".
~~~~~~~~
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."
~~~~~~~~
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a good year.
~~~~~~~~
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. And when they go, they take your house and car with them.
~~~~~~~~
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
~~~~~~~~
Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
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Mark

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:57 am

lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
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Ghost
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Apr 23, 2008 11:10 am

Asda price?????????

Remember reading about that one Chill, nice find

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Apr 24, 2008 4:01 pm

In the beginning God covered the earth with
broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
lives.Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.And
Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And
Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they
gained 10 pounds.And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.And
Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane
and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.So God
said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese
dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened
their belts following the repast.God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.And
Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped
lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own
platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.Then
Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into
chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of
salt.And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.And
Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not
have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried
before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.And
Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan
said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size
'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac
arrest.God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITIONAfter an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:1. ? ? Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.2. ? Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.3. ? Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.4. ? Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.5. ? Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.6. ? ?The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than usCONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. ?Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Apr 27, 2008 2:45 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Apr 27, 2008 2:46 pm

faf
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NICKY
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Apr 27, 2008 2:49 pm

faf faf faf faf faf faf faf faf faf faf
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Apr 27, 2008 2:50 pm

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday...................
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Apr 27, 2008 2:53 pm

faf faf faf faf
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Apr 27, 2008 2:54 pm

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other, one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'

After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick cr*p... How about yourself?'

The next thing i heard him say was ...... 'Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some tw*t in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.'
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Apr 27, 2008 3:02 pm

lol! lol! lol! faf faf faf faf
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Apr 27, 2008 3:02 pm

Council Job
A guy goes to the local Council to apply for a job.


The interviewer asks him 'Have you been in the armed services?'

'Yes' he says 'I was in Vietnam for three years.'

The interviewer says 'That will increase your chances of gaining employment'

He then asks 'Are you disabled in any way?'

The guy says 'Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy 'OK. You are well qualified and I can hire you right now.

The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM
You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM.'

The guy is puzzled and says 'If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00PM then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? '

'This is a council job' the interviewer replies.

'For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.

No point in you coming in for that.'
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Apr 27, 2008 3:07 pm

I was packing for trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, (pretending to eat them) "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, 'What happened to my bogey?"
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Apr 27, 2008 3:12 pm

faf faf faf faf faf faf
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