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 Jokes thread

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NICKY
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Feb 17, 2008 5:22 am

jay you keep them clean Very Happy
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alan

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Mon Feb 18, 2008 7:59 am

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.

One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologised to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
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Mark

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Mon Feb 18, 2008 8:09 am

Very Happy
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alan

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Feb 19, 2008 5:49 am

The head Nun of the convent called all 100 Nuns into the foyer for an emergency meeting.

"Last night," She started "I found something terrible in one of the sisters rooms."
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"

"A condom!" said the head Nun.
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"

Head Nun "And it was used!"
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"

Head Nun "And it had a hole in it!"
1 Nun "Oh no"
99 Nuns "He, he"
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alan

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Feb 21, 2008 3:51 am

A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

"magic apples", the old man replied.

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like s**t".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."
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NICKY
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Feb 21, 2008 3:54 am

lol! lol! lol!
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alan

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Feb 21, 2008 9:33 am

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the
longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you
off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity."

With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's
schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to
show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"
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Mark

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Feb 22, 2008 4:17 am

lol! lol!
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Ghost
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Feb 22, 2008 7:43 am

DRIVING TEST QUESTION

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

click spoiler..

Spoiler:
 
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Louby
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Feb 22, 2008 7:53 am

clapping faf
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NICKY
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Feb 22, 2008 8:17 am

faf faf faf faf
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Mark

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sat Feb 23, 2008 6:10 am

lol! lol!
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Ghost
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:58 am

THE TELEPHONE
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the London newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, "The Western Mail," a Valleys Welsh newspaper, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tonypandy, Dai Digger Davies, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Taffy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Wales had already gone wireless."
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Apr 06, 2008 11:15 am

THE PERKS OF BEING 50+

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can't remember who wrote this list.
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Apr 06, 2008 11:19 am

lmao!!


well atleast theres all that to look foward too.....in 22years time!
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Mark

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Apr 06, 2008 12:43 pm

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Apr 06, 2008 4:26 pm

A man goes to the doctor. The doctor asks him to describe a typical day. "Well"
says the man "I start the day with a lager or two then, around midday,
I go to the pub and stay there, drinking about four pints per hour,
until closing time. Then I go home and have a few glasses of wine as a
nightcap and then I go to bed - but I can't ever get to sleep and
that's why I've come to see you Doc". "I'm amazed" says the doctor "With all that booze inside you I'd expect you to sleep like a log". "Yes, me too" says the man "But the trouble is I'm up all night singing".
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Mark

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Mon Apr 07, 2008 3:50 am

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Apr 09, 2008 7:26 am

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad,passionate love to me seven times.'The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that 'kin smile off of your face.'
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Mark

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Apr 11, 2008 11:41 am

lol! lol! lol!
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NICKY
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Apr 11, 2008 11:45 am

clapping faf faf faf faf
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Ghost
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Apr 13, 2008 3:16 pm

clapping faf faf
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Apr 16, 2008 4:52 am

'An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'

So they were wed right away
. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

'Well,' explained the farmer,
'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her.'
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Apr 16, 2008 5:28 am

faf faf faf faf faf faf faf
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Apr 17, 2008 8:09 am

Subject: 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3.
Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4.
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons
Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot,
his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What
have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7.
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that
eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!


8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9.
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '


10
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11.
Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They
seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in
his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo
and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by
himself.'
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