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 Jokes thread

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*Dave*

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Number of posts : 1186
Age : 69
Humor : funky
Registration date : 2007-11-30

PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Mar 20, 2009 2:17 am

Food for thought!!!

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside
the Heathrow immigration offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes,
since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'
The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth,
so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!! He had a
brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Oxford with eight bedrooms
for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my
country. I want to bring them all over here.
PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three
car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, overlooking the
river.
'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
I want to be like the British with British clothes instead of man jams, and
a baseball cap instead of this turban.
And I want to have white skin like the British.'
PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an Eagles T-shirt
and a Billabong baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had
disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'
The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to
Sod all!!!!' And she disappeared!

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*Dave*

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Number of posts : 1186
Age : 69
Humor : funky
Registration date : 2007-11-30

PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Mar 20, 2009 3:26 pm

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, ' My hands are freezing cold.'


The mother replied, ' Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up..'
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.


The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, ' My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied, ' Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up..' He did and warmed his hands.


The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, ' My nose is cold.'
The girl replied, ' Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.' He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, ' My penis is frozen solid.'


The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, ' Have you ever heard of a penis?'


Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...! Why do you ask? '


The daughter replies: ' They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they? '

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Chocolate lollypop

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Number of posts : 100
Age : 47
Location : West Midlands
Humor : Got none.
Registration date : 2009-02-03

PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Apr 01, 2009 6:08 am

You lot have such dirty minds..affraid smackbum smackbum smackbum
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paul.s

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Number of posts : 463
Age : 52
Location : up the creek with out a paddle
Humor : yes please
Registration date : 2008-11-08

PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Apr 29, 2009 7:56 am

The fundamental difference



One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies, cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a ' thank
you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the
barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community
service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning
when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen
donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he
tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from
you; I'm doing community service this week.'

The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the
barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different
books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More
Successful.'

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut and when he goes to pay
his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.'

The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop. The next
morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of
Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
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mac
The spooky ones playmate
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Number of posts : 374
Humor : warped
Registration date : 2007-12-14

PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sat May 02, 2009 6:03 am

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alan

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Number of posts : 361
Age : 52
Location : wallington, surrey
Humor : great
Registration date : 2007-12-02

PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed May 13, 2009 2:34 am

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next
to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at
the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday
night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe
with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and
pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed
as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to
anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her Virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes,
he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!
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mac
The spooky ones playmate
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Number of posts : 374
Humor : warped
Registration date : 2007-12-14

PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed May 13, 2009 3:51 am

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.



"Your friggin brother won't let me in without a tie!"
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Chillout

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Number of posts : 290
Humor : Chilled
Registration date : 2007-12-02

PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri May 29, 2009 12:26 am

SWINE FLU UPDATE !!!!!
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80,000 MANCHESTER UNITED FANS PIG SICK
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Chillout

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Number of posts : 290
Humor : Chilled
Registration date : 2007-12-02

PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri May 29, 2009 12:32 am

A lady walks into the doctors office and
tells the doctor, “My sex life just isn’t up to par, is there anything
you can do for me?” The doctor replies: “well, I have this experimental drug that could help you, but it isn’t done with testing yet…” The lady says, “I’ll take it, maybe it can help me” “well, just give your husband one, and come back tomorrow to tell me how it goes” says the doctorThe next day the lady returnsand says “Those pills were amazing, what would happen if I gave him 2??!” The doctor again warns her that the drug is experimental, and that if she wanted to go ahead, 2 shouldn’t kill him. She
comes back the next day with even better results and tells the doctor
that they worked wonders. She then asks the doctor what would happen if
she gave her husband 5. Again he warns her about them still being experimental Finally,
she comes back, asking what would happen if she gave her husband the
whole bottle of pills, the doctor warned her that something bad may
happen, as they were still unsure of the drug. Months pass, and the doctor has heard no more from the lady. One day a boy comes to talk with him:“Are you the doctor who gave my mother those pills?” “Yes, I am, why?”asked the doctor “My
Mother’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my ar$e is red raw and Dad’s
sitting in the corner calling Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty,!!!”
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