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 Jokes thread

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*Dave*

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Jan 16, 2009 7:14 am

lol! lol! lol!

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mac
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Jan 22, 2009 10:05 am



Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'


2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.


Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'


5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'


6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'


7.. A little boy was doing his math homework.


He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.


Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'


8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'


10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play

with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're

too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her,

'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'








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alan

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Feb 04, 2009 2:14 pm

whats red and bad for your teeth?




























a brick
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Ghost
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Feb 04, 2009 2:35 pm

I was right !!!…….. wasn’t I ? Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes

lol!
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alan

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Feb 05, 2009 1:12 am

A bloke is in a supermarket and a beautiful blonde waves at him and says hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me?"

To which she replies "I think you are the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My gawd, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table, with all of my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my behind with wet celery and stuck a carrot up my butt?".

She said, "NO! I'm your son's Form Teacher!"
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Feb 05, 2009 8:16 am

Laughing Laughing
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NICKY
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Feb 05, 2009 11:17 am

lol! lol! faf
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alan

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Feb 12, 2009 1:10 am

Paddy says, "Doctor I have a sore bum."
The Doctor bends him over and finds a wad of money up there.
"How much was up there?" asks Paddy.
The Doc replies, "£1900".
"Sounds about right" replies Paddy.
"I knew I didn't feel too grand!!"
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NICKY
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Feb 12, 2009 2:42 am

lol! lol! lol! lol!
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Ghost
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Feb 17, 2009 9:44 am

lol @ Alan.......

Alfie Patton, the 13 year old father ,
has joined Fathers4justice,
in an interview he said "it makes sense as i already have a Spidermans outfit"
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Mark

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Feb 17, 2009 10:55 am

lol! lol!
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mac
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Feb 18, 2009 5:38 am

a womens body has been found at the bottom of the thames in a suitcase...

Who said men can't friggin pack

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Feb 18, 2009 10:53 am

MAC ...... i will ask Nicky to move your post?
.
.
for some reason you have posted it in the JOKE section !!!
Lol hehehe
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alan

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Feb 20, 2009 6:30 am

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.



After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.



The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you but


































counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.''
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Feb 20, 2009 7:09 am

lol nice one!
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NICKY
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Feb 20, 2009 7:33 am

lol! lol! lol!
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alan

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Feb 22, 2009 7:23 am

Turns out al-queda have been putting bombs in tins of alphabetty spaghetti.
A police spokesman said "If one goes off it could spell disaster!"
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Feb 25, 2009 12:22 pm

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of
Stella and sticks them into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on offer, only
£10 for 24 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on
shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it
into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man. 'It's my face cream. It
makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE FLIPPIN PRICE !"
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Feb 25, 2009 12:28 pm

lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
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Ghost
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Feb 26, 2009 3:02 am

lmaoo lmaoo

you know now Mac why Mrs EFTE Drinks a lot of STELLA!! 9486
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Mar 10, 2009 4:18 am



Ole had a car accident. Got hit by a truck.
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Mar 10, 2009 2:48 pm

Tony's wife thought it was very romantic when he vowed to have a picture of her tattooed on his arm.

'There's just no pleasing some
women!' he moaned, after she
threw him out of the house.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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mac
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Mar 18, 2009 12:49 pm

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alan

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Mar 19, 2009 2:02 am

One night after closing time a bar owner was finishing clearing up, when a spectral hound floats in through the door. The bar owner is scared, but asks him what he wants.
The phantom hound explains, 'I've lost my tail and cannot rest until a kindly bar owner stitches it back on.'
'Sorry,' said the bar owner,





























'but we don't re-tail spirits at this time of night.'
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Mar 19, 2009 8:30 am

lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
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