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 Jokes thread

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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Nov 18, 2008 12:13 pm

Wife(lying naked on the bed)asks husband,"What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
..Husband(looking her up and down)replies,


"Your sense of humour!"
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Nov 18, 2008 12:15 pm

With rising food prices, I've started shopping at some of the cheaper
supermarkets - in fact you should try the Korean meat bulls, they
really are the Dogs Boll............
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Nov 18, 2008 12:17 pm

Fat bird in the pub talking to a bloke at the bar, "If you can guess my
weight you can make love to me". The bloke is horrified and says "You're 96 stone
you ugly fat cow". The woman smiles and says "That's near enough you
lucky lucky boy"
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Nov 18, 2008 12:20 pm

The British blind football team have decided to cancel their latest
tour after using a ball with bells in it in their last practice match,
as their star player - a morris dancer was kicked to death, so its been
cancelled in his memory!
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Nov 18, 2008 12:23 pm

Paddy and Murphy hammering down floorboards in their house. Paddy picks up a nail and throws it away, he picks up another and throws away.
Murphy says "what are you doing?"

Paddy says "they're all upside down"................


"Well
keep them for the ceiling then!" came the reply
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Nov 18, 2008 12:28 pm

An elderly couple were attending Mass.
About
halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just
let out a silent fart-- what do you think I should do?He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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NICKY
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Nov 18, 2008 1:23 pm

lol! lol! lol! lol!
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mac
The spooky ones playmate
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Registration date : 2007-12-14

PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Nov 18, 2008 2:37 pm

Mack & Ghost are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Ghost says 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Mac says 'Whats his name?'
Ghost replies 'Miles from London!'


lol! lol!
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Beaky
Cheeky git
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Nov 19, 2008 4:45 am

Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour bridge when he suddenly spots Sheila (his ex wife) looking like shes going to jump into the river...Bruce shouts over "Sheila what the hell you doing woman"...she turns to Bruce and says "G'Day Bruce.....you got me pregnant and then left me, I cant cope anymore so im going to kill myself" Bruce simply replies...."Strewth Sheila...not only are you good in bed....your a bloody good sport as well" faf
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Nov 20, 2008 3:13 am

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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Nov 20, 2008 3:16 am

Instructions for cleaning a toilet :


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.


2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.


3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.


4.
The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.


5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.


6. Have someone open th e front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.


7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.


8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.


9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Nov 20, 2008 8:20 am

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.



The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. Shocked tongue
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sat Nov 22, 2008 12:33 am

Nicky had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a beesting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Andy the Professional saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where", he asked.
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
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paul.s

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Location : up the creek with out a paddle
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sat Nov 22, 2008 2:45 pm

At 85 years of age, Martin married Rose, a lovely 25 year old ironing lady

from the Philipines. Since her new husband is so old, Rose decides that

after their wedding she and Martin should have separate bedrooms, because

she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they

spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Rose prepares

herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock

comes, the door opens and there is Martin , her 85 year old groom, ready for

action. They unite as one. All goes well, Martin takes leave of his bride,

and she prepares to go to sleep.



After a few minutes, Rose hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's

Martin , Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Rose

consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Martin kisses his

bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep

again, but, aha you guessed it - Martin Is back again, rapping on the door,

and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more

they enjoy each other. But as Martin gets set to leave again, his young

bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can

perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of

your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Martin.'

Martin , somewhat embarrassed, turns to Rose and says: 'You mean I was here

already?'



The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its

advantages.
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Nov 25, 2008 2:24 pm

A ten year-old Jewish schoolboy was doing
terrible at maths. His parents tried everything from private tutors to
hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family
friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After
the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after
school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his
face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed
the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with
maths books spread all over his desk and the surrounding floor. He came
downstairs just long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his
plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked
feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of
behavior continued every night until it was time for the first term's
report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner
table, and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it
and, to her amazement,she saw a large red 'A plus' under the subject of
Maths. Overjoyed,she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No."said the boy"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No", said the son.

"On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I KNEW they meant business
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Nov 25, 2008 2:25 pm

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine"

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I am keepin' all my cows.

"Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen!At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was
doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows...............I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Nov 27, 2008 3:03 am


An Englishman, American, and Arabian were in a bar talking about their families. The Englishman said, ‘I have ten kids at home and if I had another one I would have a soccer team!’

‘Well,’ said the American guy, ‘I have 15 kids at home and if I had another one I would have a football team!’

‘Well,’ said the Arabic guy, ‘I have 17 wives at home.’ He paused, sipping at
his drink. ‘If I had another one I would have a golf course.’
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Dec 10, 2008 1:47 am

An elderly English gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The English gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. All Englishmen have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained;

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day
in June 1944, and I couldn't find any fecking Frenchmen to show it to."
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Dec 14, 2008 10:05 am

Whilst dining at a very exclusiverestaurant a man was choosing a live Squid from the tank. Finally he noticed a small mild-green coloured squid with a hairy protruding lip hiding at the bottom of the tank.Having never seen a green squid before, he decided to choose it.The waiter seemed horrified at his choice, because, the squid had beenpassed up for so long by so many diners, they had adopted it as a mascot for the restaurant. Nevertheless the creature was plucked from the tank and taken to the kitchen. Gervaise, the cook took one look at the squid and it's hairy bottom lip and couldn't bring himself to kill it.--- He asked Hans the dishwasher to kill it for him. Hans took the knife and and looked the squid in its one eye for a moment. After a tense few seconds he put the knife down and declared that he didn't have it in him to murder such a pathetic animal. and the moral of the story?

'

'

'

'

Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise, with mild-green, hairy-lipped squid
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Dec 21, 2008 8:49 pm

A man goes to the doctors.

" Doctor, I think i'm going deaf" says the man

" What are the symptoms ?" asks the doctor

" Well they are a yellow cartoon family who live in Springfield, but i'm not sure that's relevant" replies the man
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Dec 28, 2008 1:20 am

1200 people attended the recent International Psychic Society conference.

Chairman: "How many in the audience believe in ghosts?" (Over 80% of the hands were raised)

Chairman: "How many have actually seen a ghost?" (58% of the hands were raised)

Chairman: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?" (23% of the hands were raised)

Chairman: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?" (3% of the hands were raised)

Chairman: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?" After a long pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up

Chairman: "May I ask where you are from, sir?" Voice from the back of the hall: "I am from Australia."

Chairman: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?"

Voice from the back of the hall: "Oh sorry! I thought you said goat."
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Mon Dec 29, 2008 1:34 am

I took my dad shopping the other day to buy some new shoes ( he is 92 ).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him . The teenager would look and find him starin every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, ' What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life ? '

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response.

I Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son. '
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Mark

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Jan 09, 2009 3:03 pm

Sydney radio - This is a corker Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is Called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then ou know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this mrning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while nw. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip t the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it?

Sara: "Up the ar$e....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!
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NICKY
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Jan 16, 2009 4:12 am

Eleven people were hanging on a rope,

under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman


The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,

so they decided that one had to leave,

because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person,

until the woman gave a very touching speech..





She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,

because, as a woman,

she was used to giving up everything

for her husband and kids or for men in general,

and was used to always making sacrifices

with little in return.



As soon as she finished her speech,




all the men started clapping . . . . . . .
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Ghost
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Jan 16, 2009 5:01 am

Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes ... as if!! Laughing
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