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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sat Aug 09, 2008 5:16 am

LOL...
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sat Aug 09, 2008 2:05 pm

lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Mon Aug 11, 2008 9:50 am

A man was complaining, "Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so hard. In the meantime, my wife stays at home. I would give anything if you would grant me one wish: switch me into my wife! She's got it easy at home and I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is."

As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish.

Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school and on his way back he stopped at the gas station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes from the cleaners, quickly goes to the market.

It was 1:00 already. He made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in, he vacuumed the house, made some rice, went to pick up the kids from school, had an argument with the kids. As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside. He helped the kids with their homework, watched some TV while he ironed some clothes, prepared dinner. He gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep.

At 9:00 he was so tired he went to bed. Of course there was some more duties and somehow he managed to get them done and, finally, he fell asleep.

The next morning he prays to God once again, "Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish, I can't take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please!"

Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying, "Dear son, of course I'll switch you back into yourself. But there's one minor detail. You will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant."
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:09 pm

Remember "that" scene from Titanic? Well here's an image from the first shoot.......













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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Aug 13, 2008 1:17 am

lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Welsh Women   Sun Aug 17, 2008 6:27 am

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he
had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came
home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results,
but
The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Welsh girl. He boasted that he
told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot
meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most

of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher,
and
call a handyman.
God Bless Welsh Women !!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sat Aug 23, 2008 12:59 pm

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats A woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Aug 24, 2008 3:05 am

lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Aug 31, 2008 2:22 pm

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?


16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while
they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?


24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Aug 31, 2008 2:24 pm

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!'
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
'Herman, remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes,
She said,
'Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?'
'Here it comes.'
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sun Aug 31, 2008 3:36 pm

lol! lol!

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Sep 03, 2008 3:40 am

In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said:'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.

'Noah!' he roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific
interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. '

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. '..........the British Government beat me to it.'
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Sep 12, 2008 3:13 pm

Mac works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says,
'Hey, Mac! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Mac. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Mac if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Mac, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Maccy. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Mac's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Mac follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Mac tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Mac, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Macs funeral will be on Friday.
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Sep 12, 2008 3:21 pm

lol! lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Sep 23, 2008 6:29 am

Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

AND

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

A Monkey eating cherries.
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Sep 23, 2008 7:34 am

Laughing Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Sep 23, 2008 9:02 am

lol! lol! lol! faf faf faf
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Sep 23, 2008 5:21 pm

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, 'You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.' Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
Spoiler:
 
Spoiler:
 
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Oct 01, 2008 6:52 am

Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??




















He thought it was a delivery service.
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PostSubject: Dead Cow and Vet School   Wed Oct 08, 2008 5:31 pm

First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Oct 10, 2008 4:20 am

bit naughty. sorry (not)

iv just bought a race horse called "face"
he isnt very fast but great fun on race days with all the women who have backed him shouting


"COME ON MY FACE"
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Oct 10, 2008 8:35 am

Oooooo Alan smackbum Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Oct 10, 2008 3:25 pm

Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Mon Oct 13, 2008 9:08 am

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock
In the morning, by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up,
groggy-eyed, and goes to the front door and opens it, and there is a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain. He says, "Hey buddy, I
need a push."
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3 o'clock in the morning! Get
lost!"

He slams the door, and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asks his wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring
rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and two strangers
helped us?
It was raining that day, too. And, if I remember right, you were very
grateful to them.

"I think you should help him, and you should also be ashamed of
yourself for being so selfish!"

The husband thinks about what his wife just said, gets dressed,
and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer. "I'm still here."

"Do you still need a push?" asks the husband, who is now dripping
wet.



"Yes, I certainly do!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swings !" replies the drunk.....
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Oct 14, 2008 1:59 pm

lol! lol! lol!

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