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 Jokes thread

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NICKY
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Jun 10, 2008 11:36 am

lol! lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Jun 10, 2008 12:44 pm

lol! im sure not all marriages are like that, dressed up like that would do it for me evrytime!!!! smackbum smackbum mmmmm Very Happy Very Happy
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alan

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Jun 12, 2008 6:43 am

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He says, "Hey Dad! What are
you doin?" His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank." Johnny says,
"Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The
milkman filled her this morning."
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Ghost
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Jun 12, 2008 6:44 am

lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Jun 12, 2008 11:02 am

why cant you eat clowns???
































Becuase they taste funny...... ill get my coat
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Ghost
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Thu Jun 12, 2008 11:26 am

Rolling Eyes No hehe
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PostSubject: Golf   Mon Jun 16, 2008 7:15 am

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she
knew what hole he was playing. She replied, 'I'm on the 7th hole, and
you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.' He thanked her
and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again
with the same request. She said, 'I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind
me, so you must be on the 13th.' Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting
at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink
to show my appreciation for your help.' He started a conversation and asked
her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he
was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, 'If I told you, you would only laugh.'

'No, I wouldn't,' he said.

She said, 'I sell tampons.'

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, 'See, I knew you would laugh.'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied. 'I'm a toilet paper
salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!'
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alan

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Mon Jul 07, 2008 7:41 am

I was shopping at our local supermarket.
When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of
me.
As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her,
"Paper or plastic?"
"It doesn't matter," she replied, "I'm bisacksual."
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Chillout

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Number of posts : 290
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Jul 08, 2008 1:01 pm

Barbie and Jayne, two blonde sisters had
promised their uncle, who had been a seafarer all his life,that they
would to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat.After a while Jayne says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Jayne."So they row a little farther.... Again Jayne asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."So
on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and
disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Jayne is really
getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surfaceGasping for breath she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough..............Hand me the shovel."
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Jul 08, 2008 1:02 pm

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes
his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River
Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. 'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'She smiles and they start kissing.Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'Pierre tears
her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her
breasts. 'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'She
giggles and they resume their passionate embraces and things really
steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me
much lower!'Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of
Cognac and pours it in her lap.He then strikes a match and sets fire to
the cognac..Marie shrieks and dives into the River . Standing
waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,
'PIERRE , WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING???'Our 'hero' Pierre stands and says defiantly,

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'
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Ghost
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Jul 08, 2008 1:03 pm

faf faf
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PostSubject: GOLF bulls   Fri Jul 11, 2008 2:59 am

A man entered the bus with both of his pants pockets full of golf bulls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "it's golf bulls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked:

Spoiler:
 
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Jul 11, 2008 2:41 pm

mad mad

Did he feel horny, or is it a load of bull?
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Jul 11, 2008 2:58 pm

A Virginia farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy about 9 years old opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the farmer asked.
'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.
''Well,' said the farmer, 'is yer Mom here?
''No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.
''How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?
''He went with Mom and Dad.
'The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I know where
all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a
message fer Dad.
''Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, Pregnant.
'The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'But if it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'
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*Dave*

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Jul 11, 2008 3:07 pm

lol! lol!

_________________
xxI got a fab cyber Daughter xx www.matchpool.co.uk/ Click if you dare
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mac
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Number of posts : 374
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Registration date : 2007-12-14

PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Mon Jul 14, 2008 6:28 am

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are
chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.
That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and
a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He
saw me and said, You are the woman of my life. I love you. Then we
made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office
and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex
all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mothers house for
the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather
bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon
as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner,
Batman?"
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mac
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Mon Jul 14, 2008 9:06 am

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.


He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.


As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.


The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard
from a distant corner..




'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'
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Ghost
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Mon Jul 14, 2008 9:46 am

lmaoo lmaoo
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Mon Jul 14, 2008 12:14 pm

An Old priest lay dying in hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of London. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" she said.
"I would really like to see Tony Blair and Gordon Brown before I die," whispered the priest

"I'll see what I can do, Father," said the nurse. The nurse sent the request to the House of Commons and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived that Tony and Gordon would be delighted to meet the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Gordon commented to Tony: "I don't know why the old priest would want to meet us, but it certainly might help our images and even get me elected for Prime Minister for another term.
Tony agreed that it was a very good especially if they got press coverage.

When they arrived at the hospital bed the old priest took Gordonís hand in his right hand and Tony's Hand in his left.
There was a silence and the look of serenity on the priest face.
Finally Gordon spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen why choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The Old priest replied slowly: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said Gordon.
"Amen" said Tony.
The old priest continued: "He died between two lying b*****ds. I would like to do the same."
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alan

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Tue Jul 15, 2008 8:09 am

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!
". . . On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again...".
The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". . . On the road again . . ."
The M.A. is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy asked.
"Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any a**hole can sing country music!"
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Chillout

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Jul 16, 2008 8:04 pm

Subject: Character test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:


You are in England , York to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.



THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!


THE QUESTION:



Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

scroll down










Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Twisted Evil
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alan

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PostSubject: Mexican maid   Tue Jul 22, 2008 4:11 am

ooops
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alan

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Fri Aug 01, 2008 7:12 am

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He
inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to
go to 225 West 42nd St.
By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being
met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him.
She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone
would be with him soon.
He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really
getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house
offered.
Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and
found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.
"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."
"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take
my business elsewhere."
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Wed Aug 06, 2008 8:48 pm

New Treatment For Sunburn -

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor?'

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs!'
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes thread   Sat Aug 09, 2008 12:58 am

WHY HITLER LOST THE WAR!

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Jokes thread
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